I really have no words to describe what happened this week to our church community. So I copied and pasted a beautiful story as a summary, written by our friend, Shannon McMahon:
Hi Friends,
I know that many of you have probably already heard through other e-mail updates, but just in case, I want to let you know that Baby Jacob was born today, February 20, 2012 at 1:36p. He weighed 4 lbs. 3.5 ounces, measured 17 inches long, and had a beautiful head of brown hair. He stayed with his mommy and daddy for the next four hours, enjoying plenty of cuddling, snuggling, singing, praying and kisses from them as well as from his friends and family gathered around to welcome him. He was then gathered into Jesus’ arms, climbing Jacob’s ladder surrounded by a host of angels welcoming him home. I was blessed to be at the hospital for much of this love-filled process, and the only word that I can use to describe the entire experience is peace. Jesus answered so many of our requests. Kelly actively labored for about 3 hours and then pushed Jacob out with only four contractions. This is what we asked for, no C-section and very short labor, as the contractions could have been stressful to Jacob with the low amount of amniotic fluid in the uterus. All of their family members were able to be there in time for the birth (they arrived and 20 minutes later, he was delivered!) and got to be there to hold, kiss, and pray over their sweet boy. We even got to hear his little voice cry out in objection to the nose-sucker. Pastor Jamie and Pastor Aaron came and all the friends and family gathered around the bed to witness Kelly and Rob dedicate Jacob to the Lord. Kelly shared that she was amazed how Jacob could have taught her so much about faith in the short time that he had been alive so far. After he passed, all of his friends were able to come and say good-bye. Throughout the process, Kelly and Rob maintained a supernatural level of calmness, peace and joy, caring for Jacob with gentleness and perseverance, reminding him to breathe, keeping his head warm, and even encouraging him to nurse.
As Ella, Kristine and I got our turn to say good-bye, Kelly and Rob told us that they had told Jacob that it was his decision to either go and be with Jesus or to stay here on earth with them and do some more work for the kingdom. Even as he lay peacefully “asleep” in her arms, his head having grown cold, she told him that the option was still on the table to come back and stay with them here on earth. I told her that I believed that could happen and that I would be praying all night. She reminded us that Lazarus was dead for three days when Jesus resurrected him.
With this new leg of our journey, we must still continue to pray. We know that God has the power to bring life back to Jacob, but we also know that if He chooses to keep Jacob home with him, He can comfort Rob and Kelly through the process of saying good-bye to him. I am of the mind to keep calling on the power of Jesus to say, “Arise, little one.” Please agree with Kelly and Rob in prayer as Jacob stays with them tonight in their hospital room (at least, that was the plan when I spoke with Patti Blue at 8:15p, who is still with them) that Jesus can still show His power over death in the body of Jacob. We have moved past the 11th hour and are now in the 12th hour, but we know that with God, no hour is too late. Please also pray that whatever the outcome, peace would continue to wash over this family. Pray that as they rejoice always and present their requests to Him, with thanksgiving, that the peace of Christ, which makes no sense to our minds, would guard their hearts and their minds (Phil 4:4-9). Pray against any attacks from the enemy. Pray that truth prevails over the lies and that though Kelly, Rob and Jacob walk through the valley of the shadow of death, God is with them.
And just because it is such a sweet story and puts into words what I had yet to say out loud, I will share with you what Michael Shamus said when I went to pick my kids up from our amazing, wonderful baby-sitters. He sat on my knee and asked me how the hospital was. I said that it was a good time. He asked if baby Jacob is all better now. I answered, as my voice betrayed me and the tears welled up in my eyes for the hundredth time today, that Jacob had gone home to be with Jesus. In true child-like fashion, he asked, “Already?” I explained that Jacob got to be with his parents for a few hours, meet all of his friends and family and pray with them and sing with them and that then he decided it was time to go home and be with Jesus. He paused for a moment before responding in a small voice, “I wish that hadn’t of happened.” I couldn’t have said it better.
thank you for continuing to stand with us in prayer,
Shannon
We all knew very early that Jacob was sick. He was born with only one kidney, and the one kidney he did have was cystic. He had almost no amniotic fluid, and therefore had no lungs. Yet people still prayed for a miracle.
I arrived to the hospital after Jacob had passed. There were so many people who had been there much of the day and gotten to meet him, pray, worship, and just be with him and the Lowers. We said goodbye to Jacob in small groups. Afterwards, I was overwhelmed with so much sadness, empathy, and grief. I will never forget the image of Kelly holding her baby so dearly in her arms, with her loving husband thanking everyone for their love and prayers. It was weird because I hadn't met the Lowers until that night in the hospital. I had been praying for Jacob, but had never been able to go to the prayer meetings to meet them. But even so, the pain was overwhelming. Days later, I could still barely focus on anything. I couldn't stop crying or grieving for them. I remember wondering at the hospital why all the girls, even the mothers, were so calm. I emailed the girls the next day telling them that I felt so full of grief, and Ella, our church prayer pastor, explained to me that before I arrived at the hospital, they had all had a chance to cry and mourn, but they had experienced a lot of peace. I had missed that, so it made sense to me that I felt mostly loss and sadness.
I then felt like God helped me to realize two things. The first was that, if I was grieving and in pain for a family whom I barely knew, even though I had known of the peace that the Lowers experienced through all of the prayers and the many people who supported them from start to end, then how much more painful must this be for the families who do this alone? I had a tiny glimpse of the magnitude of pain that exists on this earth. Granted, there is much joy, but I realized that there must be many, many people who lose children and don't have an entire community to support them.
The second thing: I felt like Jesus was saying "coming to me is not a bad thing". I don't think I would ever say this to parents who had just lost a child. Death is a loss to those of us who remain on earth. We don't want to lose someone because we want to be with them, love them, hold them, and experience life on earth together. But to Jesus, maybe he doesn't see death the same, since it is simply time for someone to go to be with him in his perfect heaven. Baby Jacob is not sick in heaven, he is a little boy free of illness, happy, healthy, and joyously loved by his heavenly father. I think having that image of Jacob in heaven softened my pain. I don't know if these thoughts are entirely correct, but it's what went through my head and it's what helped me to at least accept that we will never completely understand the way God works. I know that God is good all the time, so there must be something good in this that we just don't understand.
If you haven't read the book Heaven is For Real, you should. It's about a 4-year old boy named Colton who was unconcious and went to heaven for only minutes. But he met Jesus and saw heaven in extraordinary detail. When you read the book, you realize that this is real. He met his sister whom he never knew existed because his mother had a miscarriage and had never told him. He met John the Baptist, and knew he was Jesus' cousin, he saw Jesus' scars from the cross which he called "markers", he saw the Angel Gabriel sitting on the left side of God (Jesus sits at the right), and the list goes on and on and on. How would a 4-year old know all of this if he hadn't seen it? And everything he saw is confirmed in the bible as well! I remember the vivid picture of heaven that was painted in that book, and I imagined Jacob there. And according to Colton, he says over and over "Dad, Jesus REALLY loves the children".
I have heard from people who are close with the Lowers, that they are doing well. But I think we will all be grieving for a long time, and I think that's a good thing. Being a Christian doesn't mean that you are immune to sorrow and need to put on a happy face. God feels the Lowers' pain and he grieves with them, just as any parent would do for their children. I think I will always see them as heroes for how they've handled everything they've gone through. I am so thankful to have people in my life who will pray for what the world calls impossible. And even though Jacob went to heaven instead of staying on this earth with his parents, God was not absent. As our pastor Aaron said today at church (in my own words) The love that surrounded the Lowers in that hospital room accompanied by their friends and family was immeasurable, something he'd never experienced. I believe it was God's love manifested in his people.
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Friday, February 10, 2012
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Back to Work I Go
For obvious reasons, these last couple of weeks have been emotional. I went back to work part time on January 30th. I work three days a week. During those three days that I'm away, Johan stays home one day (while he takes his paternity leave), and we have a nanny named Lupe that comes the other two days. It's been wonderful and emotional at the same time. I love that Johan gets to stay home because he has been talking about it and looking forward to it almost the entire 9 months of Axel's life. I get to get out of the house for a bit and use my brain. And Axel is doing really great with both Johan and Lupe.
Since I've been back at work, I have slightly weaned Axel to only nursing two times per day (when he wakes and right before bed), then he also takes two bottles during the day. We have an arsenal of frozen milk in the freezer that will probably last us several months, so this works out really well. He weaned pretty easily, since he's been less interested in nursing these last couple of months. He's also going down to 2 naps. We kind of had to force it on him because he'd take 3 naps if he could and go to sleep every 2 hours. But if we let that go on, he'd start going to bed too late and not get enough sleep. At least, that's what the sleep book says, and it's been a miracle worker until now, so I do as it says!
His latest thing is doors. He just loves holding on to the door and seeing it swing back and forth. Of course, this means that I have to make sure to stuff objects in the door jambs all over the house so that he doesn't slam his fingers. I tell myself that he is interested in the physics of objects, I'm hopeful he'll be a science nerd like his parents one day...
I've been letting him explore a lot lately. My first instinct is "don't ruin your clothes or get dirty!" But then I remember the list of 25 things I posted earlier this week, and I just say "oh well", and let him get dirty. As long as nothing goes in the mouth and he's not in danger, I let him have fun. He seems to be happier that way, and therefore, so am I.
My first day back at work was really great. I didn't mind sitting in traffic because that's what grown-ups in San Diego do! And now I'm getting to act and feel like a grown up again! I got to dress up in grown up clothes and do my hair before 12:00 in the afternoon. I also got to use my own purse instead of a diaper bag, that was really exciting. It has also been nice to feel like I'm using my brain in the ways that make me feel useful, doing my nerdy engineer math and using my AutoCAD computer design program, it just makes me feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do.
But I also feel like I'm meant to be a mom, so working part time should be perfect, right? After a couple of days at work, I started really missing Axel. I'm almost afraid to admit it, because I know what people are going to say "Then just go back home! Don't work!" But my problem is that I also love being at work. I chose to go back to work part time because I wanted to. I felt ready to have a little break to use my brain to do something I love and also contribute to the family finances.
I'm hoping that it gets easier being away from him. If it doesn't, then it's true, I don't have to work. I do have a very understanding boss who I'm sure would give me more time if I needed it. And Johan is supportive of whatever I want to do, work or stay home. I am so extremely grateful for these wonderful supportive men. But for now, I'm kind of torn between two things that I love to do. But if I continue to feel like I should be home with Axel, he will always come before my job.
The week before I went back to work, I went to Scripps Hospital in Hillcrest where Axel was born. I have been going to the breastfeeding support group there, and I went one last time to get advice on how to wean him. As I was leaving the hospital with Axel to go back home, the weather was warm and sunny, the birds were chirping, and it reminded me so much of the day we took him home 9 months ago. I started to get teary-eyed because those days are gone. They'll never be back. Of course, we'll have them again with our future children, but not with Axel. I think the realization that the baby days are drawing to an end are setting in right now. He's getting more opinionated and is starting to get a mind of his own. He doesn't want to sit in your lap and just wants to get out there and explore. People always told me that this time would go by so fast, but I always thought they meant that it "felt" fast, not that the baby stage really was very short, only months long.
I think Johan would agree that the sweetest time of the entire day is right before we put him down for a nap or for bed. He'll be crazy and pulling away at you wanting to continue playing, but once you give him his pacifier, draw down his shades to make his bedroom dark, and close the door, all of a sudden he stops, and plunks his head down on your chest, exhausted. I love it. Sometimes it's hard for me not to stay there and let him sleep on me because I just want to keep holding him. But I know that if I do, he won't sleep as long. We put him in his crib, he rolls on to his favorite side, and we cover him with a blanket. He just lays there with his eyes half open, waiting until we leave and close the door, then he falls asleep. It's the most peaceful, beautiful time of the day.
Since I've been back at work, I have slightly weaned Axel to only nursing two times per day (when he wakes and right before bed), then he also takes two bottles during the day. We have an arsenal of frozen milk in the freezer that will probably last us several months, so this works out really well. He weaned pretty easily, since he's been less interested in nursing these last couple of months. He's also going down to 2 naps. We kind of had to force it on him because he'd take 3 naps if he could and go to sleep every 2 hours. But if we let that go on, he'd start going to bed too late and not get enough sleep. At least, that's what the sleep book says, and it's been a miracle worker until now, so I do as it says!
I've been letting him explore a lot lately. My first instinct is "don't ruin your clothes or get dirty!" But then I remember the list of 25 things I posted earlier this week, and I just say "oh well", and let him get dirty. As long as nothing goes in the mouth and he's not in danger, I let him have fun. He seems to be happier that way, and therefore, so am I.
He is still eating like a champ. He eats his super porridge every morning for breakfast. We still mix any whole grain with homemade green and orange vegetable, brewer's yeast, kelp, and dessicated liver. But apparently, this is the month to introduce proteins, so we've been adding lentils to it. He loves it. He also just had fish for the first time and gobbled it up. I have realized lately that if there is some food that he doesn't like, he will usually eat it if I let him eat it himself, instead of spoon feeding him. Unfortunately, this is the result:
Lupe is also amazing. She is kind, loving, follows our way of doing things (like naps, feeding, and play), and only speaks Spanish. This has been pretty interesting, since I leave for work before she arrives, Johan hands Axel off to her. But Johan doesn't speak Spanish, and Lupe doesn't speak English. So I assume there is a lot of hand gestures, pointing at objects, and o's added to the end of words "Axel sleep-o at nine o'clock-o". It's about time Johan learned Spanish. I learned Swedish, so he should learn Spanish!
Two of our friends had used Lupe as their nanny for their children. In the words of Chris Baron, "when Lupe had been at our house, it was 'magical'". The Barons said they'd come home and somehow she got their kids to nap better, eat better, and she had cleaned the house so that it was "brillante". The first day Johan and I came home from work after Lupe had been over, there was indeed some magic that seemed to have occurred. Our bathroom sink had been clogged for months. Johan had bought some super strength acid clog eater that couldn't be used while Axel and I were in the house because the fumes were so toxic. It looked terrifying. Hence, the bathroom sink remained clogged. But when we came home post-Lupe, I went to wash my hands and the water went straight through the drain, and the sink was so clean and shiny! We checked the toxic drain-o bottle, and nope, it hadn't been opened. How did Lupe unclog the sink? I asked her the next day and she showed me a bent up coat hanger that she had reconfigured and stuck down the drain to pull up all the hair. Yuck. But I highly respect any woman who isn't afraid to get her hands dirty.
Two of our friends had used Lupe as their nanny for their children. In the words of Chris Baron, "when Lupe had been at our house, it was 'magical'". The Barons said they'd come home and somehow she got their kids to nap better, eat better, and she had cleaned the house so that it was "brillante". The first day Johan and I came home from work after Lupe had been over, there was indeed some magic that seemed to have occurred. Our bathroom sink had been clogged for months. Johan had bought some super strength acid clog eater that couldn't be used while Axel and I were in the house because the fumes were so toxic. It looked terrifying. Hence, the bathroom sink remained clogged. But when we came home post-Lupe, I went to wash my hands and the water went straight through the drain, and the sink was so clean and shiny! We checked the toxic drain-o bottle, and nope, it hadn't been opened. How did Lupe unclog the sink? I asked her the next day and she showed me a bent up coat hanger that she had reconfigured and stuck down the drain to pull up all the hair. Yuck. But I highly respect any woman who isn't afraid to get her hands dirty.
Then we started to see little details of cleanliness. Our fans were dusted, our shelves were clean, the floors were mopped, the dishes were washed and put away, and even all of Axel's clothes were washed and folded. Who are you, woman??? She said that Axel had napped for about 4 hours total that day so she just decided to clean. Just for the record, we never asked her to clean. In fact, I had told her she could take naps in the guest room, read a book, or just relax while Axel naps. Somehow, her inability to sit and relax and her need to clean every nook and cranny reminds me of someone (Mom). Now every time we come home, it's a fun game to look for the traces of Lupe cleanliness around the house..."Oh my gosh, she even re-organized our utensils drawer!"
My first day back at work was really great. I didn't mind sitting in traffic because that's what grown-ups in San Diego do! And now I'm getting to act and feel like a grown up again! I got to dress up in grown up clothes and do my hair before 12:00 in the afternoon. I also got to use my own purse instead of a diaper bag, that was really exciting. It has also been nice to feel like I'm using my brain in the ways that make me feel useful, doing my nerdy engineer math and using my AutoCAD computer design program, it just makes me feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do.
But I also feel like I'm meant to be a mom, so working part time should be perfect, right? After a couple of days at work, I started really missing Axel. I'm almost afraid to admit it, because I know what people are going to say "Then just go back home! Don't work!" But my problem is that I also love being at work. I chose to go back to work part time because I wanted to. I felt ready to have a little break to use my brain to do something I love and also contribute to the family finances.
I'm hoping that it gets easier being away from him. If it doesn't, then it's true, I don't have to work. I do have a very understanding boss who I'm sure would give me more time if I needed it. And Johan is supportive of whatever I want to do, work or stay home. I am so extremely grateful for these wonderful supportive men. But for now, I'm kind of torn between two things that I love to do. But if I continue to feel like I should be home with Axel, he will always come before my job.
The week before I went back to work, I went to Scripps Hospital in Hillcrest where Axel was born. I have been going to the breastfeeding support group there, and I went one last time to get advice on how to wean him. As I was leaving the hospital with Axel to go back home, the weather was warm and sunny, the birds were chirping, and it reminded me so much of the day we took him home 9 months ago. I started to get teary-eyed because those days are gone. They'll never be back. Of course, we'll have them again with our future children, but not with Axel. I think the realization that the baby days are drawing to an end are setting in right now. He's getting more opinionated and is starting to get a mind of his own. He doesn't want to sit in your lap and just wants to get out there and explore. People always told me that this time would go by so fast, but I always thought they meant that it "felt" fast, not that the baby stage really was very short, only months long.
Monday, February 6, 2012
25 Rules for Moms with Sons
I was shown this list by my friend Ella. It was written by a mom on her blog (http://studerteam.blogspot.com/2011/11/25-rules-for-mothers-of-sons.html). I liked it so much that I copied the whole thing. It made me so excited at the future of raising a boy. It also brought me to tears thinking of how much encouragement and love Axel is going to need from both me and Johan. It seems like our society teaches boys mostly to be tough, resilient, and not to cry (funny, that sounds a lot like me!), which ultimately leads to them being unable to express their emotions, among other things. I printed this list out and put it up in our house as a reminder that boys do need to be loud, dirty, and crazy, but that they also need to be loved, encouraged, taught patience, kindness, and that it's okay to lose.
1. Teach him the words for how he feels.
Your son will scream out of frustration and hide out of embarrassment. He'll cry from fear and bite out of excitement. Let his body move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion is and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference. Point out other people who are feeling the same thing and compare how they are showing that emotion. Talk him through your emotions so that someday when he is grown, he will know the difference between angry and embarrassed; between disappointment and grief.
2. Be a cheerleader for his life
There is no doubt that you are the loudest person in the stands at his t-ball games. There is no doubt that he will tell you to "stop, mom" when you sing along to his garage band's lyrics. There is no doubt that he will get red-faced when you show his prom date his pictures from boy scouts. There is no doubt that he is not telling his prom date about your blog where you've been bragging about his life from his first time on the potty to the citizenship award he won in ninth grade. He will tell you to stop. He will say he's embarrassed. But he will know that there is at least one person that is always rooting for him.
3. Teach him how to do laundry
..and load the dishwasher, and iron a shirt. He may not always choose to do it. He may not ever have to do it. But someday his wife will thank you.
4. Read to him and read with him.
Emilie Buchwald said, "Children become readers on the laps of their parents." Offer your son the opportunity to learn new things, believe in pretend places, and imagine bigger possibilities through books. Let him see you reading...reading the paper, reading novels, reading magazine articles. Help him understand that writing words down is a way to be present forever. Writers are the transcribers of history and memories. They keep a record of how we lived at that time; what we thought was interesting; how we spoke to each other; what was important. And Readers help preserve and pass along those memories.
5. Encourage him to dance.
Dance, rhythm, and music are cultural universals. No matter where you go, no matter who you meet - they have some form of the three. It doesn't have to be good. Just encourage your son that when he feels it, it's perfectly fine to go ahead and bust a move.
6. Make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.
The examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and LaMarr Woodley) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he also knows about men who kick a$s because of their brains (Albert Einstein), and their pen (Mark Twain), and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), and their determination (Team Hoyt), and their ideas (The Wright Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz), and fearlessness (Neil Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else is screaming (Jackie Robinson).
7. Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity
The examples of traditionally beautiful women (like Daphne Blake, Princess Jasmine, and Britney Spears) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he knows about women who are beautiful from the inside out because of their brains (Madame Marie Curie), and their pen (Harper Lee), and their words (Eleanor Roosevelt), and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their ideas (Oprah Winfrey), and their integrity (Miep Gies), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent (Aung San Suu Kyi).
8. Be an example of a beautiful woman with brains, determination, and integrity.
You already are all of those things. If you ever fear that you are somehow incapable of doing anything - remember this: If you have done any of the following: a) grew life b) impossibly and inconceivably got it out of your body c) taken care of a newborn d) made a pain go away with a kiss e) taught someone to read f) taught a toddler to eat with a utensil g) cleaned up diarrhea without gagging h) loved a child enough to be willing to give your life for them (regardless if they are your own) or i) found a way to be strong when that child is suffering...you are a superhero. do not doubt yourself for one second. Seriously.
9. Teach him to have manners
because its nice. and it will make the world a little better of a place.
10. Give him something to believe in
Because someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or lost, or just need you, and you won't be able to be there. Give him something to turn to when it feels like he is alone, so that he knows that he will never be alone; never, never, never.
11. Teach him that there are times when you need to be gentle
like with babies, and flowers, and animals, and other people's feelings.
12. Let him ruin his clothes
Resolve to be cool about dirty and ruined clothes. You'll be fighting a losing battle if you get upset every time he ruins another piece of clothing. Don't waste your energy being angry about something inevitable. Boys tend to learn by destroying, jumping, spilling, falling, and making impossible messes. Dirty, ruined clothes are just par for the course.
13. Learn how to throw a football
or how to use a hockey stick, or read music, or draw panda bears (or in my case alpacas), or the names of different train engines, or learn to speak Elvish, or recognize the difference between Gryffindor and Slytherin, or the lyrics to his favorite song. Be in his life, not as an observer but as an active participant.
14. Go outside with him
turn off the television, unplug the video games, put your cellphone on the charger, even put your camera away. Just go outside and follow him around. Watch his face, explore his world, and let him ask questions. It's like magic.
15. Let him lose
Losing sucks. Everybody isn't always a winner. Even if you want to say, "You're a winner because you tried," don't. He doesn't feel like a winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed. And that's a good thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard (as moms) we try to make it not suck for our kids. This practice will do him good later when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and again.....) Instead make sure he understands that - sometimes you win - sometimes you lose. But that doesn't mean you ever give up.
16. Give him opportunities to help others
There is a big difference in giving someone the opportunity to help and forcing someone to help. Giving the opportunity lights a flame in the heart and once the help is done the flame shines brighter and asks for more opportunities. Be an example of helping others in your own actions and the way your family helps each other and helps others together.
17. Remind him that practice makes perfect.
This doesn't just apply to performance-based activities (like sports and music) but also applies to everything in life. You become a better writer by writing. You become a better listener by listening. You become better speaker by speaking. Show your son this when he is just young enough to understand (that means from birth, folks - they are making sense of the world as soon as they arrive), practice trick-or-treating at your own front door before the real thing. Practice how you will walk through airport security before a trip. Practice how you order your own food from the fast food cashier. Practice, practice, practice.
18. Answer him when he asks, "Why?"
Answer him, or search for the answer together. Show him the places to look for the answers (like his dad, or grandparents, or his aunts/uncles, or his books, or valid internet searches). Pose the question to him so he can begin thinking about answers himself. Someday, when he needs to ask questions he's too embarrassed to ask you - he'll know where to go to find the right answers.
19. Always carry band-aids and wipes on you.
especially the wipes.
20. Let his dad teach him how to do things
...without interrupting about how to do it the 'right way.' If you let his dad show and teach and discover with your son while he is growing up, some day down the road (after a short period of your son believing his dad knows nothing), he will come to the realization that his dad knows everything. You will always be his mother, but in his grown-up man heart and mind, his dad will know the answers. And this will be how, when your son is too busy with life to call and chat with his mom, you will stay connected to what is happening in his life. Because he will call his dad for answers, and his dad will secretly come and ask you.
21. Give him something to release his energy
drums, a pen, a punching bag, wide open space, water, a dog. Give him something to go crazy with - or he will use your stuff. and then you'll be sorry.
22. Build him forts
Forts have the ability to make everyday normal stuff into magic. Throw the couch cushions, a couple blankets, and some clothespins and you can transform your living room into the cave of wonders. For the rest of his life, he'll be grateful to know that everyday normal stuff has the potential to be magical.
23. Take him to new places
Because it will make his brain and his heart open up wider, and the ideas and questions and memories will rush in.
24. Kiss him
Any mother of sons will tell you that little boys are so loving and sweet. They can be harsh and wild and destructive during most of the day. But there are these moments when they are so kind and sensitive and tender. So much so that it can cause you to look around at the inward, reserved grown men in your life and think, 'what happens in between that made you lose that?' Let's try to stop the cycle by kissing them when they're loving and kissing them even more when they're wild. Kissing them when they're 2 months and kissing them when they're 16 years old. You're the mom - you can go ahead and kiss him no matter how big he gets - and make sure he knows it. p.s. (this one is just as important for dad's too).
25. Be home base
You are home to him. When he learns to walk, he will wobble a few feet away from you and then come back, then wobble away a little farther and then come back. When he tries something new, he will look for your proud smile. When he learns to read, he will repeat the same book to you twenty times in a row, because you're the only one who will listen that many times. When he plays his sport, he will search for your face in the stands. When he is sick, he will call you. When he really messes up, he will call you. When he is grown and strong and tough and big and he feels like crying, he will come to you; because a man can cry in front of his mother without feeling self-conscious. Even when he grows up and has a new woman in his life and gets a new home, you are still his mother; home base, the ever constant, like the sun. Know that in your heart and everything else will fall into place.
1. Teach him the words for how he feels.
Your son will scream out of frustration and hide out of embarrassment. He'll cry from fear and bite out of excitement. Let his body move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion is and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference. Point out other people who are feeling the same thing and compare how they are showing that emotion. Talk him through your emotions so that someday when he is grown, he will know the difference between angry and embarrassed; between disappointment and grief.
 |
There is no doubt that you are the loudest person in the stands at his t-ball games. There is no doubt that he will tell you to "stop, mom" when you sing along to his garage band's lyrics. There is no doubt that he will get red-faced when you show his prom date his pictures from boy scouts. There is no doubt that he is not telling his prom date about your blog where you've been bragging about his life from his first time on the potty to the citizenship award he won in ninth grade. He will tell you to stop. He will say he's embarrassed. But he will know that there is at least one person that is always rooting for him.
..and load the dishwasher, and iron a shirt. He may not always choose to do it. He may not ever have to do it. But someday his wife will thank you.
4. Read to him and read with him.
Emilie Buchwald said, "Children become readers on the laps of their parents." Offer your son the opportunity to learn new things, believe in pretend places, and imagine bigger possibilities through books. Let him see you reading...reading the paper, reading novels, reading magazine articles. Help him understand that writing words down is a way to be present forever. Writers are the transcribers of history and memories. They keep a record of how we lived at that time; what we thought was interesting; how we spoke to each other; what was important. And Readers help preserve and pass along those memories.
5. Encourage him to dance.
Dance, rhythm, and music are cultural universals. No matter where you go, no matter who you meet - they have some form of the three. It doesn't have to be good. Just encourage your son that when he feels it, it's perfectly fine to go ahead and bust a move.
6. Make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.
The examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and LaMarr Woodley) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he also knows about men who kick a$s because of their brains (Albert Einstein), and their pen (Mark Twain), and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), and their determination (Team Hoyt), and their ideas (The Wright Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz), and fearlessness (Neil Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else is screaming (Jackie Robinson).
The examples of traditionally beautiful women (like Daphne Blake, Princess Jasmine, and Britney Spears) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he knows about women who are beautiful from the inside out because of their brains (Madame Marie Curie), and their pen (Harper Lee), and their words (Eleanor Roosevelt), and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their ideas (Oprah Winfrey), and their integrity (Miep Gies), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent (Aung San Suu Kyi).
You already are all of those things. If you ever fear that you are somehow incapable of doing anything - remember this: If you have done any of the following: a) grew life b) impossibly and inconceivably got it out of your body c) taken care of a newborn d) made a pain go away with a kiss e) taught someone to read f) taught a toddler to eat with a utensil g) cleaned up diarrhea without gagging h) loved a child enough to be willing to give your life for them (regardless if they are your own) or i) found a way to be strong when that child is suffering...you are a superhero. do not doubt yourself for one second. Seriously.
9. Teach him to have manners
because its nice. and it will make the world a little better of a place.
10. Give him something to believe in
Because someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or lost, or just need you, and you won't be able to be there. Give him something to turn to when it feels like he is alone, so that he knows that he will never be alone; never, never, never.
11. Teach him that there are times when you need to be gentle
like with babies, and flowers, and animals, and other people's feelings.
12. Let him ruin his clothes
Resolve to be cool about dirty and ruined clothes. You'll be fighting a losing battle if you get upset every time he ruins another piece of clothing. Don't waste your energy being angry about something inevitable. Boys tend to learn by destroying, jumping, spilling, falling, and making impossible messes. Dirty, ruined clothes are just par for the course.
13. Learn how to throw a football
or how to use a hockey stick, or read music, or draw panda bears (or in my case alpacas), or the names of different train engines, or learn to speak Elvish, or recognize the difference between Gryffindor and Slytherin, or the lyrics to his favorite song. Be in his life, not as an observer but as an active participant.
14. Go outside with him
turn off the television, unplug the video games, put your cellphone on the charger, even put your camera away. Just go outside and follow him around. Watch his face, explore his world, and let him ask questions. It's like magic.
Losing sucks. Everybody isn't always a winner. Even if you want to say, "You're a winner because you tried," don't. He doesn't feel like a winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed. And that's a good thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard (as moms) we try to make it not suck for our kids. This practice will do him good later when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and again.....) Instead make sure he understands that - sometimes you win - sometimes you lose. But that doesn't mean you ever give up.
16. Give him opportunities to help others
There is a big difference in giving someone the opportunity to help and forcing someone to help. Giving the opportunity lights a flame in the heart and once the help is done the flame shines brighter and asks for more opportunities. Be an example of helping others in your own actions and the way your family helps each other and helps others together.
17. Remind him that practice makes perfect.
This doesn't just apply to performance-based activities (like sports and music) but also applies to everything in life. You become a better writer by writing. You become a better listener by listening. You become better speaker by speaking. Show your son this when he is just young enough to understand (that means from birth, folks - they are making sense of the world as soon as they arrive), practice trick-or-treating at your own front door before the real thing. Practice how you will walk through airport security before a trip. Practice how you order your own food from the fast food cashier. Practice, practice, practice.
Answer him, or search for the answer together. Show him the places to look for the answers (like his dad, or grandparents, or his aunts/uncles, or his books, or valid internet searches). Pose the question to him so he can begin thinking about answers himself. Someday, when he needs to ask questions he's too embarrassed to ask you - he'll know where to go to find the right answers.
19. Always carry band-aids and wipes on you.
especially the wipes.
20. Let his dad teach him how to do things
...without interrupting about how to do it the 'right way.' If you let his dad show and teach and discover with your son while he is growing up, some day down the road (after a short period of your son believing his dad knows nothing), he will come to the realization that his dad knows everything. You will always be his mother, but in his grown-up man heart and mind, his dad will know the answers. And this will be how, when your son is too busy with life to call and chat with his mom, you will stay connected to what is happening in his life. Because he will call his dad for answers, and his dad will secretly come and ask you.
21. Give him something to release his energy
drums, a pen, a punching bag, wide open space, water, a dog. Give him something to go crazy with - or he will use your stuff. and then you'll be sorry.
22. Build him forts
Forts have the ability to make everyday normal stuff into magic. Throw the couch cushions, a couple blankets, and some clothespins and you can transform your living room into the cave of wonders. For the rest of his life, he'll be grateful to know that everyday normal stuff has the potential to be magical.
23. Take him to new places
Because it will make his brain and his heart open up wider, and the ideas and questions and memories will rush in.
24. Kiss him
Any mother of sons will tell you that little boys are so loving and sweet. They can be harsh and wild and destructive during most of the day. But there are these moments when they are so kind and sensitive and tender. So much so that it can cause you to look around at the inward, reserved grown men in your life and think, 'what happens in between that made you lose that?' Let's try to stop the cycle by kissing them when they're loving and kissing them even more when they're wild. Kissing them when they're 2 months and kissing them when they're 16 years old. You're the mom - you can go ahead and kiss him no matter how big he gets - and make sure he knows it. p.s. (this one is just as important for dad's too).
25. Be home base
You are home to him. When he learns to walk, he will wobble a few feet away from you and then come back, then wobble away a little farther and then come back. When he tries something new, he will look for your proud smile. When he learns to read, he will repeat the same book to you twenty times in a row, because you're the only one who will listen that many times. When he plays his sport, he will search for your face in the stands. When he is sick, he will call you. When he really messes up, he will call you. When he is grown and strong and tough and big and he feels like crying, he will come to you; because a man can cry in front of his mother without feeling self-conscious. Even when he grows up and has a new woman in his life and gets a new home, you are still his mother; home base, the ever constant, like the sun. Know that in your heart and everything else will fall into place.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)