Lately: 11-1/2 Months

This entry is really for me to remember this stage, it probably is not very entertaining for anyone else.

Some new things that are happening this week: Axel learned to clap his hands, what a genius! He is also starting to crawl on his knees at an incredible pace, but for some reason, continues to flop down and army crawl. He is also completely infatuated with the bathtub. He will crawl over to it, stand up, and peer in any time during the day, wondering if anyone will start the water. Or when one of us showers, he will hear the water and dash into the bathroom to take a look. Bathtime, obviously, is his favorite time of the day. He also loves climbing stairs and playing in the sand or the dirt in the garden.




Johan finally bought a tap for his beer keg in the garage refrigerator! He had some problems with the carbon dioxide, but went last weekend and added more to the keg. Now, the beer tastes fabulous, and is available 24-7. What a luxury. And I was wrong about it being an Ale, it's actually a stout. Yesterday afternoon, after I got home from work, the three of us sat outside in our side yard. I got to have a beer while Axel played with a broom and got into the dirt. It was a beautiful 1/2 hour.

For some reason, our method of going down for naps have been changing lately. For the past several months, it's been pretty easy. When the 2 to 2 1/2 hour mark comes along, we'd just darken the room, hold Axel and he'd plot his head against us, exhausted. Then we'd lay him down in his crib without protest. Lately, he's been crying and standing up, throwing his pacifier on the ground, refusing to sleep. My sleep book says this is normal, that they'll protest naps because they would much rather stay awake and play with Mom and Dad. The book recommended simply letting them cry it out and they'd eventually understand that nap time has no exceptions, and they'd give up and fall asleep. I tried this several times, but Axel would get so worked up, it wasn't his normal cry, and he just wouldn't sleep. So I gave in and went in to him, held him, and rocked him to sleep in the glider. He's been going to sleep like this now for several days. I really love it. It reminds me of the days when he was just months old and would always fall asleep in my arms. But it seems that he's only having this issue with me. Johan can put him in the crib and so can Lupe, without a problem.

Axel still goes to bed between 6 and 6:30 pm.Night sleeping has been great lately too. A couple of weeks ago, he went through a spell of night wakings where he'd lose his pacifier, and also was waking up at 5:30 a.m. We had to stick to our rule and not get him until at least 6:00 to not encourage the 5:30 wakeup, and it eventually went away. Now he might wake up at 5:30, but he'll go back to sleep until around 6:30.

One thing that has been a total blessing is that he sleeps really well in places other than his crib. We still go to home group every Thursday night. We just put him to bed in his carseat and he'll fall asleep in the car on the drive over. Natalie lives on a quiet col de sac and we park the truck right next to her dining room window, cover him in a blanket, and keep checking on him. He never wakes up! We always make sure it's not too hot or cold in the car, but the San Diego weather is pretty accommodating.

I recently started a Meetup for moms in North Park and South Park. It has been really great. There are some really wonderful moms in our area. We keep everything pretty simple, we just meet up at a park that is close by. Axel and I were getting a little lonely, so this has been really fun.

Mealtimes have also gotten to be challenging. Some times he just refuses to eat, other days he eats his entire bowl of food. I have been reading that this is normal, that babies' appetites come and go certain days, and not to worry about it. I have noticed that it's hard for Johan or I to eat anything that isn't exactly what he is eating, otherwise, he wants it. So we eat our toast with egg and avocado breakfast before or after he sits down, otherwise, we have to share! I also noticed that sometimes he'll eat if I give him a toy. But if he doesn't want to eat, we usually don't give him any alternatives other than something equally healthy. We have had to save food like crackers for after his meal, almost as a dessert, because he could eat those all day. It seems that his favorite food that he almost always will accept is the mix we make of cottage cheese, yogurt, ground flax and ground almond. Sometimes we'll throw in a pureed green or orange vegetable so that it's a complete meal with protein, dairy, and vegetable. He also still eats his crazy super porridge every morning. It's a mix of brown rice or oatmeal, any ground up bean, a green vegetable, an orange vegetable, powdered kelp, dessicated liver, brewer's yeast, and either an egg yellow or citrus to absorb the iron. I know, it's a ridiculous concoction, but he loves it and it's so good for him. I also created a really easy and good family/baby recipe. It's homemade macaroni and cheese but I added a healthy sausage and vegetables. Johan and Axel both loved it. Here's the recipe:

1/2 pound whole wheat elbow macaroni

3 tablespoons butter

3 tablespoons whole wheat flour

3 cups milk

1/2 cup yellow onion, finely diced

1 bay leaf

1/2 teaspoon paprika

1 large egg

8 ounces cheddar, shredded

Fresh black pepper

 A protein, like apple chicken sausage or turkey sausage

 Any vegetables, like carrots, peas, cauliflower

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

In a large pot of boiling, salted water cook the pasta to al dente.
While the pasta is cooking, in a separate pot, melt the butter. Whisk in the flour and keep it moving for about five minutes. Make sure it's free of lumps. Stir in the milk, onion, bay leaf, and paprika. Simmer for ten minutes and remove the bay leaf.
Temper in the egg. Stir in 3/4 of the cheese. Season with pepper. Fold the macaroni into the mix and pour into a 2-quart casserole dish. You can eat it right away, or sprinkle with bread crumbs and bake for about 20 minutes until golden brown.

Lately, I've been reading an incredible book on raising children written by a Christian author. It's called Shepherding a Child's Heart. It has completely changed everything I thought was important about raising children. I highly recommend it!

A Camping We Will Go

I take back everything I said about Axel being difficult. You'll understand after you finish reading this entry.

Back in February, we decided with our friends the Kellers that we would repeat our yearly tradition of camping at Shaver Lake this 4th of July....and bring the babies, of course. Yikes. So Johan and I got a little terrified at the memories of many of our friends who brought their babies in past years and were up all night, or walking baby in the stroller at 11:00 pm, or were getting yelled at by neighboring campers to throw their baby in the car (by the way, that neighboring camper was actually part of our group). Anyways, we thought we would try and train for Shaver by camping once per month with the hope of avoiding being another statistic in the camping-with-baby failures.

And so began our first camping trip on Saturday! Johan booked a campsite at Aguas Calientes out in Borrego Desert east of San Diego. I had never been there, and we were both so excited at the thought of a new adventure. We let Axel take his first morning nap, then packed the car while he slept. After he woke up we took off. It took about 2 hours to get there, and by the time we arrived, he was ready for his second nap. He fell asleep in the car about 20 minutes before we arrived, then the second we parked at our camp site, he was awake. We set up our tent and I tried to put him down for a nap in his baby tent, but this new place was just way too exciting, so we let him stay awake.

I grew up by the mountains and Johan grew up near forest, so we never understood how people could love anything else. I never understood the love of the beach, and especially not the desert. But as we viewed our campgrounds, we just thought that this place was so incredibly beautiful. Yes, it was dry as the desert usually is, but it was so huge and vast, and the sand was beautiful and almost white. One thing we also realized about the desert is that it is hard to see the beauty unless you look closely. You have to get out of your car and take a walk to see the beautiful flowers that bloom on the cactus, and the wildflowers that sprout on the ground, and the crazy shapes the cactus take on, and the warm breeze is so, so nice.

Writing in the sand "Just like Jesus!" says Daddy.

Another reason we loved this desert campground was that although Axel is STILL army crawling, here he was crawling in sand, so there was no dirty mess, it was wonderful. A funny thing was that Axel seemed so much happier here than at home. At home, he's usually bored and whining to go outside and do something fun. But here, he could crawl around and explore to his heart's content. It was paradise for all of us.

The campsite also had hot spring pools. So we got in our swim suits and headed to one of them. We splished and splashed for a while, then decided Axel was in such a good mood that we should go for a walk. He got to wear his brand new robe that Tia Monica got him, and he seemed to be happy to be allowed to go diaper-free. We dragged the umbrella stroller to the top of a small hill, and again were amazed by the enormity and beauty of this place. It was so peaceful, and everyone was walking around happy, drinking a beer.

So at this point, (6:00 pm) Axel was getting really tired. He had skipped his afternoon nap and was starting to yawn. We gave him some dinner, then took a shower, put him in his pj's, then decided to go for a short hike until he really looked tired. When he started nodding off in the backpack, we walked back and I took him into the tent. He was really scared of being left alone in the tent, so I sat there with him and rocked him in my arms and sang the songs I usually sing before bedtime (Cielito Lindo and De Colores). After about 5-10 minutes he was fast asleep in my arms. This, by the way, has not happened since he was maybe 4 months old, so he was super exhausted. I put him in his baby tent and he woke up and cried, so I laid there with half my body in the tent with him, arms around him, singing, until he fell asleep. After a minute or so, I zipped up the tent and left. SUCCESS!!!

We had some pretty loud neighbors. In fact, there were noises everywhere. Not only people, but some enormous bullfrogs whose ribbits echoed against the mountains. People were playing guitar and singing, kids were yelling and playing. So I prayed to God that Axel would sleep soundly.

As the darkness settled in, it got colder, and we started to feel guilty that he was only in his flannel pajamas. My friend, Libby, had given me a handmade triple layered fleece sleep sack. So I went into the tent and put it on him. He didn't even wake up!

The rest of that night, Johan and I were talking about what a perfect camping trip this had been. It wasn't much, we didn't do anything too exciting, but we did it, and we were proud of ourselves for conquering the fear of baby camping. But we also realized that having Axel with us was so much more fun than camping by ourselves. Probably because Axel seemed so happy to be camping, hence, mom and dad were also happy.



After a couple of beers, some campfire, an amazing dinner of barbequed rack of lamb, and some chocolate pudding, we talked a little, read a little, then headed off to bed. Another fear I had was sleeping in the same tent as Axel. I never sleep well next to him because he usually makes noises. We didn't sleep that great, but it wasn't because of Axel, it was just because we never sleep well the first night of camping. But Axel slept the entire night. He woke up once when he lost his pacifier, but I gave it to him and he fell right back asleep. He slept without a sound until 6:30 the next morning. When we woke up, we couldn't believe what had just happened. Our baby had camped successfully!


On our drive home, we made notes of everything we did to make sure that we tried to repeat it for next month when we go on our second camping trip. But part of me just wonders if every baby is just different, and it isn't necessarily all the things we did? Or maybe it's his baby tent, since he's been sleeping in that since he was 4 months old? In any case, this trip allowed us to do something we love to do (camp), and get over our fear of camping with a baby.

It was indeed an incredibly wonderful Easter.

The Terrible Two's - I mean, 11 Months

Axel just turned 11 months old yesterday. I don't know of any better way to sum up this age other than I feel like I got caught with my head in the sand. How many times has this happened? I can hardly count. And yes, yes, I was warned. Many of you told us that once we finally understood our baby and got him on a good schedule and everything was nice and calm, he would change on us. So the big change now is that our sweet little perfect baby has now learned the importance of the whine and tantrum. I thought that was reserved for 2 year olds?!?! To paint the correct picture, he does not whine and throw tantrums all day long, but they are starting. I can see the wheels turning in that head of his, and I can almost imagine his thoughts: "Okay, if I crawl up to Daddy's feet and whine and cry and throw my arms and legs that shows him that I want to be picked up, he'll for sure pick me up. And if mommy takes away the electrical plug that I so badly want to shove in my mouth, all I have to do is cry like someone is hurting me and she'll unplug it and give it to me". So have the battles begun in our house.

I think my first clear realization that we need to start being firm with boundaries and discipline was when Axel was taking a bath a couple of days ago. Johan and I were both there, and he was playing with the telephone shower head that detaches and you can hold in your hand. I let him play with it, and turned the water on. He loved it and was spraying himself with it, drinking the water, etc. Then I said "Okay, bathtime is done" and took it away, and you would have thought that I had poured hot coals on him. For a split second I considered giving it back to him to quiet the tantrum but then I realized that from this point on, our "No" has to mean "No". So he didn't get it back and instead bath time was for sure over. And he eventually got over it. The changing table is another battleground. He'll be happy and laughing, playing, then once you pick him up and put him on the changing table, all hell breaks loose. How dare we interrupt his fun to change his diaper and his clothes?!?


I was talking to my friend Brittney about this yesterday. She said that she also thought this stage was really hard. Not only because the baby is establishing their opinions and independence, but because they can't talk and tell you what they want. It was nice, though, to hear that I didn't just have a maniac child and that other babies have gone through this stage as well. I think the worst thing as a mom is to tell someone that my 11 month old is throwing tantrums and they look at me like "Really? Mine never did that". That's why I always admit everything to Brittney, because I know she'll always make me feel like I'm not alone, whether it's true or not.

Last Sunday, my friend, Jessica, and I went to a swap meet where parents sold all sorts of baby/child items. It was a mom's paradise. Every baby item you could imagine at discount prices. I can confidently say we scored at that event. I came home with a large wagon with a canopy and fat wheels, perfect for the beach, a Kelty baby hiking backpack, a Radio Flyer tricycle, a baby bicycle seat, and some really nice wooden blocks and toys. Jessica found a really nice carseat with base, and also a baby hiking backpack. We were joking that this is our life now....getting excited about buying discounted baby items.

 Lately, Axel has been hating being in the stroller. He will sit in it for about 15 minutes when the whining starts. I usually have to bring a ton of snacks and toys. But I have realized that while he doesn't like walking in the stroller, he loves running with the stroller. I went jogging with him the other day, and he didn't make a peep the whole time! So this basically means that we will be losing a lot of weight if we want a peaceful walk. That afternoon after the swap meet, Johan and I tried out the backpack with Axel. We walked all the way down to a nursery to buy some potted herbs, and not a peep! Axel was so happy. It must be the freedom of being up so high and having a 360 degree view.

Those little things really make our lives so much more peaceful. Just having a quiet baby for a half hour really does lower your insanity levels.

On the positive side, Axel is a total love bug. After he's done with his crazy army crawling rants around the house, he will come up to you and lay his head on you and smile.

Another change has been bedtimes. He used to go to bed without a fight. It used to be bath, pajamas, nurse, sleep. Then we cut out the nursing because he didn't want it anymore, so it was just bath, pajamas, sleep. But lately, he'll cry and cry and cry when we put him in his crib. So I figured I can listen to him cry, or I can change up the bedtime routine. So I figured I'd add on another couple of minutes by reading a book, then I'll hold him face down in my arms and sing to him for a minute or so, then lay him in bed. Maybe he just wanted more time to calm down before bed? I don't know. Part of me doesn't want to cater too much to his demands, but the other part of me does want a peaceful baby. So I think from now on, this will all be an ongoing process of learning and deciding these boundaries. But I will admit that the extra bed time routines have been worth it to have a happy baby that quietly drifts off to sleep.

Life in North Park

My feelings about going back to work have changed drastically since my last entry regarding work. This morning, I was driving to work with an immense sense of joy and relief. I do feel kind of guilty at feeling this way after leaving my baby at home, but I am so happy at the setup we have that I think my guilt is unwarranted. It took a couple of weeks for me to feel comfortable not worrying about Lupe being capable of taking care of Axel the way I thought he should. But she continues to be a total blessing to us. Johan is still home with Axel on Mondays, and we both love that situation. Johan is such an amazing Dad.

Before Axel was born, one of the engineer moms at my work and I were talking about going back to work after having a baby. She told me that she thought that some moms were better moms when they stayed at home, and some moms were better moms after going back to work. I didn't really understand this at the time, but now I think I do. I think every mom is at her best when she is doing what she feels she was made to do. Some moms were made to be full time moms. And some moms also have other purposes outside of being a mom. I feel like since I get a couple of days each week to use my brain in ways that make me happy at work, I am so much more energized to be a good mom to Axel the days that I'm home. On the other hand, if I had stayed at my previous job where I was miserable, this would be a different situation and I would for sure be a full time stay at home mom!

Tomorrow we're going to put in an application for Axel's first school! We are thinking of putting him into a Montessori school that's a block away from my work. If we sign Axel up, he'll start in the fall, when he's 18 months old. At that time, I'll go back to work full time. I would love to hear if anyone has had any experiences with Montessori schools. Until then, we're hoping to stick to having Lupe as our part-time nanny.

Axel is crazy right now, but he is a pure joy to us. He is still army crawling and for the first time went from crawling to a sitting position. He is just starting to understand that he can crawl on his knees, but isn't totally there yet. He has started learning to pull himself up to a standing position and is climbing anything and everything that is 6" tall.....stairs, the guitar, the dishwasher, etc.

We had a Dr. appointment the other day. I was worried that he wasn't growing as much because he stopped nursing and drinking milk for a while. I took him to the doctor because I didn't know what to do. He weighed 23 lbs 3 oz and was 30 inches long. She said that since he was eating so healthy, I should just make sure he gets enough iron, protein, and calcium each day, along with water to not get dehydrated. A couple of days in a row he drank 10 oz or less, he just wouldn't have it. So he basically weaned himself. We were forced to switch to formula really fast since it was hard to thaw frozen breastmilk every time, plus, we were wasting it, having to throw it away since he wouldn't drink much of it. We had to try different methods to get him to drink his formula. We tried keeping the lights off and his room quiet so to not distract him, I tried letting distractions happen, we tried giving him a bottle in the car, nothing worked. Finally, Lupe told me that she was giving him his bottle in his crib. I tried it, and he took it! He'd just lay down and drink the whole 8 oz! So that's what we do now when he wakes from a nap, give him a bottle and let him be until he's done. Now he's taken a liking to formula, and he's finally starting to drink an entire bottle 3 times per day.

He's still sleeping like a champ. He naps twice per day, 1.5 to 2 hours per nap, then goes to bed around 6-6:30 pm and wakes up around 6:45 a.m. But he still only has his two lower teeth! He looks so funny because they're growing longer and longer like little bunny teeth.

He also wants to be everywhere we are. He'll play on his own in his bedroom, but then he'll make his way to the kitchen and beg to be picked up. He's also extremely bored with our house. We don't really have any baby toys. But this is because he gets bored with his toys so fast and he's more interested in real things in the house. So we usually give him some bowls or cooking utensils, the guitar, etc. to play with. He likes getting into the refrigerator because it's new for now. His favorite thing is to get into areas he wasn't able to before, like the dishwasher, the cupboards, or climb up the kitchen chairs. But after about a half hour of this, he's done with the house and we have to go outside. He likes to crawl around in the garden, and sometimes we'll go next door to Helen and Nia's grass yard and crawl around there. He loves our neighbor, Suzanne's, house, because she has clutter everywhere and it's so much fun to explore.

We recently decided that we wanted to sell our house. Our interest rate is pretty high, and our accountant has been telling us for years to get out of it if we can. We think that we can break even if we sell it, so we've been fixing it up to prepare. Johan has painted all the interior doors, the fence, and we had the house painted as well. But after all of this, the house looks pretty wonderful that we think we might want to stay! Plus, we do really love North Park. This sounds silly, but I feel like it keeps us young! It has character, and we have cool bars, cafes, restaurants, clothing stores, the zoo, the park, etc. that we can walk to or get to quickly. And so many of our friends live nearby that we can meet up at eachothers houses in minutes. Just yesterday I was going shopping and felt so liberated to be able to call up my girlfriends, Lisa and Natalie, and see if they wanted to go shopping with me. We ended up going out for lunch afterwards at Influx in Golden Hill and it was such a great spur of the moment afternoon with them. I love our friends. So we decided to try one more time to see if we can refinance, and it looks like there are some possibilities that we're waiting to hear back on. We will most likely want to move when Axel is at the kindergarten age, but that's years down the road. We'll see....

Johan and his friend, Doug, have been brewing beer as well. They made some good dark ale that was ready last week. Johan found a nice refrigerator/freezer on Craigslist that fit nicely in the garage, so he put the beer in a keg that the Kellers gave us, and put it in the fridge....perfect! Then he had another idea of making our side yard into a beer garden. He wanted to copy Garrett Keller's idea of drilling a hole through the fridge for the beer tap. But instead of stopping there, he wants to drill a hole in the side of the garage and install a tap out in the beer garden. So when we're sitting outside, we'll have beer on tap. I figure that it's a small hole that's easy to fill in afterward. Plus, I'm kind of excited at the thought of a beer garden. More on that to come....

Heaven is For Real

I really have no words to describe what happened this week to our church community. So I copied and pasted a beautiful story as a summary, written by our friend, Shannon McMahon:

Hi Friends,
I know that many of you have probably already heard through other e-mail updates, but just in case, I want to let you know that Baby Jacob was born today, February 20, 2012 at 1:36p.  He weighed 4 lbs. 3.5 ounces, measured 17 inches long, and had a beautiful head of brown hair.  He stayed with his mommy and daddy for the next four hours, enjoying plenty of cuddling, snuggling, singing, praying and kisses from them as well as from his friends and family gathered around to welcome him.  He was then gathered into Jesus’ arms, climbing Jacob’s ladder surrounded by a host of angels welcoming him home.  I was blessed to be at the hospital for much of this love-filled process, and the only word that I can use to describe the entire experience is peace.  Jesus answered so many of our requests.  Kelly actively labored for about 3 hours and then pushed Jacob out with only four contractions.  This is what we asked for, no C-section and very short labor, as the contractions could have been stressful to Jacob with the low amount of amniotic fluid in the uterus.  All of their family members were able to be there in time for the birth (they arrived and 20 minutes later, he was delivered!) and got to be there to hold, kiss, and pray over their sweet boy.  We even got to hear his little voice cry out in objection to the nose-sucker.  Pastor Jamie and Pastor Aaron came and all the friends and family gathered around the bed to witness Kelly and Rob dedicate Jacob to the Lord.  Kelly shared that she was amazed how Jacob could have taught her so much about faith in the short time that he had been alive so far.  After he passed, all of his friends were able to come and say good-bye.  Throughout the process, Kelly and Rob maintained a supernatural level of calmness, peace and joy, caring for Jacob with gentleness and perseverance, reminding him to breathe, keeping his head warm, and even encouraging him to nurse.  

As Ella, Kristine and I got our turn to say good-bye, Kelly and Rob told us that they had told Jacob that it was his decision to either go and be with Jesus or to stay here on earth with them and do some more work for the kingdom.  Even as he lay peacefully “asleep” in her arms, his head having grown cold, she told him that the option was still on the table to come back and stay with them here on earth.  I told her that I believed that could happen and that I would be praying all night.  She reminded us that Lazarus was dead for three days when Jesus resurrected him.   


With this new leg of our journey, we must still continue to pray.  We know that God has the power to bring life back to Jacob, but we also know that if He chooses to keep Jacob home with him, He can comfort Rob and Kelly through the process of saying good-bye to him.  I am of the mind to keep calling on the power of Jesus to say, “Arise, little one.”  Please agree with Kelly and Rob in prayer as Jacob stays with them tonight in their hospital room (at least, that was the plan when I spoke with Patti Blue at 8:15p, who is still with them) that Jesus can still show His power over death in the body of Jacob.  We have moved past the 11th hour and are now in the 12th hour, but we know that with God, no hour is too late.  Please also pray that whatever the outcome, peace would continue to wash over this family.  Pray that as they rejoice always and present their requests to Him, with thanksgiving, that the peace of Christ, which makes no sense to our minds, would guard their hearts and their minds (Phil 4:4-9).  Pray against any attacks from the enemy.  Pray that truth prevails over the lies and that though Kelly, Rob and Jacob walk through the valley of the shadow of death, God is with them.

And just because it is such a sweet story and puts into words what I had yet to say out loud, I will share with you what Michael Shamus said when I went to pick my kids up from our amazing, wonderful baby-sitters.  He sat on my knee and asked me how the hospital was.  I said that it was a good time.  He asked if baby Jacob is all better now.  I answered, as my voice betrayed me and the tears welled up in my eyes for the hundredth time today, that Jacob had gone home to be with Jesus.  In true child-like fashion, he asked, “Already?”  I explained that Jacob got to be with his parents for a few hours, meet all of his friends and family and pray with them and sing with them and that then he decided it was time to go home and be with Jesus.  He paused for a moment before responding in a small voice, “I wish that hadn’t of happened.”  I couldn’t have said it better.  
thank you for continuing to stand with us in prayer,
Shannon 

We all knew very early that Jacob was sick. He was born with only one kidney, and the one kidney he did have was cystic. He had almost no amniotic fluid, and therefore had no lungs. Yet people still prayed for a miracle.

I arrived to the hospital after Jacob had passed. There were so many people who had been there much of the day and gotten to meet him, pray, worship, and just be with him and the Lowers. We said goodbye to Jacob in small groups. Afterwards, I was overwhelmed with so much sadness, empathy, and grief. I will never forget the image of Kelly holding her baby so dearly in her arms, with her loving husband thanking everyone for their love and prayers. It was weird because I hadn't met the Lowers until that night in the hospital. I had been praying for Jacob, but had never been able to go to the prayer meetings to meet them. But even so, the pain was overwhelming. Days later, I could still barely focus on anything. I couldn't stop crying or grieving for them. I remember wondering at the hospital why all the girls, even the mothers, were so calm. I emailed the girls the next day telling them that I felt so full of grief, and Ella, our church prayer pastor, explained to me that before I arrived at the hospital, they had all had a chance to cry and mourn, but they had experienced a lot of peace. I had missed that, so it made sense to me that I felt mostly loss and sadness.

I then felt like God helped me to realize two things. The first was that, if I was grieving and in pain for a family whom I barely knew, even though I had known of the peace that the Lowers experienced through all of the prayers and the many people who supported them from start to end, then how much more painful must this be for the families who do this alone? I had a tiny glimpse of the magnitude of pain that exists on this earth. Granted, there is much joy, but I realized that there must be many, many people who lose children and don't have an entire community to support them.

The second thing: I felt like Jesus was saying "coming to me is not a bad thing". I don't think I would ever say this to parents who had just lost a child. Death is a loss to those of us who remain on earth. We don't want to lose someone because we want to be with them, love them, hold them, and experience life on earth together. But to Jesus, maybe he doesn't see death the same, since it is simply time for someone to go to be with him in his perfect heaven. Baby Jacob is not sick in heaven, he is a little boy free of illness, happy, healthy, and joyously loved by his heavenly father. I think having that image of Jacob in heaven softened my pain. I don't know if these thoughts are entirely correct, but it's what went through my head and it's what helped me to at least accept that we will never completely understand the way God works. I know that God is good all the time, so there must be something good in this that we just don't understand.

If you haven't read the book Heaven is For Real, you should. It's about a 4-year old boy named Colton who was unconcious and went to heaven for only minutes. But he met Jesus and saw heaven in extraordinary detail. When you read the book, you realize that this is real. He met his sister whom he never knew existed because his mother had a miscarriage and had never told him. He met John the Baptist, and knew he was Jesus' cousin, he saw Jesus' scars from the cross which he called "markers", he saw the Angel Gabriel sitting on the left side of God (Jesus sits at the right), and the list goes on and on and on. How would a 4-year old know all of this if he hadn't seen it? And everything he saw is confirmed in the bible as well! I remember the vivid picture of heaven that was painted in that book, and I imagined Jacob there. And according to Colton, he says over and over "Dad, Jesus REALLY loves the children".

I have heard from people who are close with the Lowers, that they are doing well. But I think we will all be grieving for a long time, and I think that's a good thing. Being a Christian doesn't mean that you are immune to sorrow and need to put on a happy face. God feels the Lowers' pain and he grieves with them, just as any parent would do for their children. I think I will always see them as heroes for how they've handled everything they've gone through. I am so thankful to have people in my life who will pray for what the world calls impossible. And even though Jacob went to heaven instead of staying on this earth with his parents, God was not absent. As our pastor Aaron said today at church (in my own words) The love that surrounded the Lowers in that hospital room accompanied by their friends and family was immeasurable, something he'd never experienced. I believe it was God's love manifested in his people.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's Back to Work I Go

For obvious reasons, these last couple of weeks have been emotional. I went back to work part time on January 30th. I work three days a week. During those three days that I'm away, Johan stays home one day (while he takes his paternity leave), and we have a nanny named Lupe that comes the other two days. It's been wonderful and emotional at the same time. I love that Johan gets to stay home because he has been talking about it and looking forward to it almost the entire 9 months of Axel's life. I get to get out of the house for a bit and use my brain. And Axel is doing really great with both Johan and Lupe.

Since I've been back at work, I have slightly weaned Axel to only nursing two times per day (when he wakes and right before bed), then he also takes two bottles during the day. We have an arsenal of frozen milk in the freezer that will probably last us several months, so this works out really well. He weaned pretty easily, since he's been less interested in nursing these last couple of months. He's also going down to 2 naps. We kind of had to force it on him because he'd take 3 naps if he could and go to sleep every 2 hours. But if we let that go on, he'd start going to bed too late and not get enough sleep. At least, that's what the sleep book says, and it's been a miracle worker until now, so I do as it says!

His latest thing is doors. He just loves holding on to the door and seeing it swing back and forth. Of course, this means that I have to make sure to stuff objects in the door jambs all over the house so that he doesn't slam his fingers. I tell myself that he is interested in the physics of objects, I'm hopeful he'll be a science nerd like his parents one day...

I've been letting him explore a lot lately. My first instinct is "don't ruin your clothes or get dirty!" But then I remember the list of 25 things I posted earlier this week, and I just say "oh well", and let him get dirty. As long as nothing goes in the mouth and he's not in danger, I let him have fun. He seems to be happier that way, and therefore, so am I.

He is still eating like a champ. He eats his super porridge every morning for breakfast. We still mix any whole grain with homemade green and orange vegetable, brewer's yeast, kelp, and dessicated liver. But apparently, this is the month to introduce proteins, so we've been adding lentils to it. He loves it. He also just had fish for the first time and gobbled it up. I have realized lately that if there is some food that he doesn't like, he will usually eat it if I let him eat it himself, instead of spoon feeding him. Unfortunately, this is the result:

Lupe is also amazing. She is kind, loving, follows our way of doing things (like naps, feeding, and play), and only speaks Spanish. This has been pretty interesting, since I leave for work before she arrives, Johan hands Axel off to her. But Johan doesn't speak Spanish, and Lupe doesn't speak English. So I assume there is a lot of hand gestures, pointing at objects, and o's added to the end of words "Axel sleep-o at nine o'clock-o". It's about time Johan learned Spanish. I learned Swedish, so he should learn Spanish!

Two of our friends had used Lupe as their nanny for their children. In the words of Chris Baron, "when Lupe had been at our house, it was 'magical'". The Barons said they'd come home and somehow she got their kids to nap better, eat better, and she had cleaned the house so that it was "brillante". The first day Johan and I came home from work after Lupe had been over, there was indeed some magic that seemed to have occurred. Our bathroom sink had been clogged for months. Johan had bought some super strength acid clog eater that couldn't be used while Axel and I were in the house because the fumes were so toxic. It looked terrifying. Hence, the bathroom sink remained clogged. But when we came home post-Lupe, I went to wash my hands and the water went straight through the drain, and the sink was so clean and shiny! We checked the toxic drain-o bottle, and nope, it hadn't been opened. How did Lupe unclog the sink? I asked her the next day and she showed me a bent up coat hanger that she had reconfigured and stuck down the drain to pull up all the hair. Yuck. But I highly respect any woman who isn't afraid to get her hands dirty.

  Then we started to see little details of cleanliness. Our fans were dusted, our shelves were clean, the floors were mopped, the dishes were washed and put away, and even all of Axel's clothes were washed and folded. Who are you, woman??? She said that Axel had napped for about 4 hours total that day so she just decided to clean. Just for the record, we never asked her to clean. In fact, I had told her she could take naps in the guest room, read a book, or just relax while Axel naps. Somehow, her inability to sit and relax and her need to clean every nook and cranny reminds me of someone (Mom). Now every time we come home, it's a fun game to look for the traces of Lupe cleanliness around the house..."Oh my gosh, she even re-organized our utensils drawer!"

My first day back at work was really great. I didn't mind sitting in traffic because that's what grown-ups in San Diego do! And now I'm getting to act and feel like a grown up again! I got to dress up in grown up clothes and do my hair before 12:00 in the afternoon. I also got to use my own purse instead of a diaper bag, that was really exciting. It has also been nice to feel like I'm using my brain in the ways that make me feel useful, doing my nerdy engineer math and using my AutoCAD computer design program, it just makes me feel like I'm doing what I was meant to do.

But I also feel like I'm meant to be a mom, so working part time should be perfect, right? After a couple of days at work, I started really missing Axel. I'm almost afraid to admit it, because I know what people are going to say "Then just go back home! Don't work!" But my problem is that I also love being at work. I chose to go back to work part time because I wanted to. I felt ready to have a little break to use my brain to do something I love and also contribute to the family finances. 

I'm hoping that it gets easier being away from him. If it doesn't, then it's true, I don't have to work. I do have a very understanding boss who I'm sure would give me more time if I needed it. And Johan is supportive of whatever I want to do, work or stay home. I am so extremely grateful for these wonderful supportive men. But for now, I'm kind of torn between two things that I love to do. But if I continue to feel like I should be home with Axel, he will always come before my job.

The week before I went back to work, I went to Scripps Hospital in Hillcrest where Axel was born. I have been going to the breastfeeding support group there, and I went one last time to get advice on how to wean him. As I was leaving the hospital with Axel to go back home, the weather was warm and sunny, the birds were chirping, and it reminded me so much of the day we took him home 9 months ago. I started to get teary-eyed because those days are gone. They'll never be back. Of course, we'll have them again with our future children, but not with Axel. I think the realization that the baby days are drawing to an end are setting in right now. He's getting more opinionated and is starting to get a mind of his own. He doesn't want to sit in your lap and just wants to get out there and explore. People always told me that this time would go by so fast, but I always thought they meant that it "felt" fast, not that the baby stage really was very short, only months long.

I think Johan would agree that the sweetest time of the entire day is right before we put him down for a nap or for bed. He'll be crazy and pulling away at you wanting to continue playing, but once you give him his pacifier, draw down his shades to make his bedroom dark, and close the door, all of a sudden he stops, and plunks his head down on your chest, exhausted. I love it. Sometimes it's hard for me not to stay there and let him sleep on me because I just want to keep holding him. But I know that if I do, he won't sleep as long. We put him in his crib, he rolls on to his favorite side, and we cover him with a blanket. He just lays there with his eyes half open, waiting until we leave and close the door, then he falls asleep. It's the most peaceful, beautiful time of the day.